Overwhelmed by Loneliness
Day 10: Walking in the shoes of the homeless and unemployed
I stayed up as long as I could last night until I knew for sure that I would fall asleep when I hit the bed. Didn’t happen. So, I watched Gone in 60 Seconds. Just before I went to sleep, the loneliness overtook me, overwhelmed and flooded me.
God told me to say it, feel it, own it. “What do you want?”
In that moment, this fantasy formed in my mind’s crying eyes of my Old Flame calling me, saying that he was coming to Providence. I met up with him, and we spent a fun weekend together. I had no thoughts of the shelter, no thoughts of this work. Just fun. Finally, he said, “Enough is enough. I’m getting you a place to live. I’ll pay for it for a year.”
God immediately interrupted, “What do you want, Sapphire?”
I want a home not a house. I want a family. I don’t want him to swoop in, rescue me, and leave. I want him to stay. I want someone who will stay. I don’t want him to get me out and leave. If he has no intentions to stay, then leave him where he is. I am reminded of a poem I wrote many years ago:
I am lonely
Though not alone
Never alone –
Caressed to sleep
By Mi Luna
Kissed awake by Mi Sol
What dimensionless love
So willingly answers my call?
At any moment
I can connect
With the love
That guides me
Through my loneliness
Only it’s
that Love
I long to see –
Unblurred in my vision
Ethereally clear
Long to touch –
I can sense it massaging my
Most intimate fears
Long to breathe –
I can feel its breeze
Hovering,
Cleansing me
Of my loneliness
Only it’s
that Love –
That kind of love
I long to receive
Humanly
[Copyright 2002 Sapphire King, All Rights Reserved]
Real Hunger
I have never known real hunger before now. After days of cutting back with no money and no options, the ache woke me up out of my sleep this morning. I waited until about 10 a.m.—so that I would be fuller longer—before I gathered up the microwaveable breakfast my caseworker gave me yesterday. I retrieved a bowl from the cupboard, washed, and dried it. With my items loaded into an eco-friendly recyclable grocery bag, I went downstairs to get a guard to let me into the kitchen to use the microwave as my caseworker instructed.
The front desk staff lady emphatically spat, “Oh, no. That isn’t allowed. That’s a big no, no.” I explained what my caseworker told me, but it was of no use. I asked what time my worker was supposed to come in so that I could talk to her. “Ten thirty.”
It was 10:20 a.m. So I waited. And waited. And waited. Finally, at 11 a.m., she told me that she didn’t think my caseworker was coming in today. “But I have a six o’ clock appointment with her this evening.”
She just shrugged with the same nonchalant air exhibited by most of the staff and turned her head. The pain was kicking holes in my stomach. I had to go get something to eat.
This hunger is much different from the many voluntary fasts I’ve been on. It’s the reality of knowing that there are no options, that there is no freedom to just walk into a store and pick up something. I called Mom and had her check my bank account. $52 and some change. After my $40 bill is paid, I would have $12 left to my name. So, I went back upstairs, put everything away, and headed to Cold Stone for my $1.18 muffin.
I still had $2 in cash in my pocket after giving a guy on the street $1 yesterday. He wore a thin coat, looked ragged, and asked for some change. All I had was four one dollar bills to buy my breakfast/lunch muffin for the next three days. So, I gave him $1. Now, all I have is 85¢. What will I do tomorrow? Not sure. I’ll figure something out. For now, I am going to enjoy my pumpkin spice muffin.
Although I have been doing this since I left the hotel, I only just realized that I am eating every single crumb of my food. I mean, I am literally using my fingernails to scrape up the residual muffin left on the baking paper. God spoke to me and told me, “You don’t have to suffer. I appreciate you being so willing to go without today. But I promised you if you took the leap of faith and put your trust in me, I would take care of your needs in an extraordinary way. Haven’t I? Have you been subjected to the poorest conditions? Or course not. I want you to eat. I will provide for your safety and warmth. Stick with me. You are almost there. Write. Write. Write. Love you. God.”
... And Then There's Hunger
Although I have been doing this since I left the hotel, I only just realized that I am eating every single crumb of my food. I mean, I am literally using my fingernails to scrape up the residual muffin left on the baking paper.
God spoke to me and told me, “You don’t have to suffer. I appreciate you being so willing to go without today. But I promised you if you took the leap of faith and put your trust in me, I would take care of your needs in an extraordinary way. Haven’t I? Have you been subjected to the poorest conditions? Or course not. I want you to eat. I will provide for your safety and warmth. Stick with me. You are almost there. Write. Write. Write. Love you. God.”
Copyright © 2010 Sapphire Jule King and International Freedom Coalition